Have We Met Before?

A guide to social interactions in an anti-social world

**I wrote this last winter while I was living in Montreal’s Mile End, a province wide lockdown and curfew in place due to Covid-19. I spent much time alone and the lack of human contact was definitely getting to me, to the point where someone brushing past my arm in the store became the most thrilling part of my day. As I got used to the new normal however, I became hyper aware of and anxious about possible encounters with people I’d known but hadn’t seen for a long while. The following is something I wrote after one particularly stressful interaction (or lack thereof I suppose I should say). Hope you may be able to see fragments of yourself in this or at least get a kick out of my mellow dramatic anxieties.

My anxieties are ruling my life. Living in a neighbourhood whose landlords only seem to cater to aspiring creatives within my exact age bracket, I swear I get nervous going to the grocery store for fear of running in to someone I know. With the pandemic eliminating any opportune social events where I could flaunt how I’ve blossomed since my high school days, the only real chance of seeing someone from my past is on essential errand runs, which I now make sure to do at non-peak hours.

While a month ago I may have used these chores as opportunities to change out of the hoodie I’d been wearing for two weeks straight, swipe on a little concealer reinstating some semblance of normalcy, now you’d be hard pressed to catch me on my Tuesday afternoon trips to the laundromat. With the brutal Montreal winds, coupled with my new fear of people, I try and make my ventures to the outside world as low-profile as possible.

With Covid, it seems like all anyone can talk about is how excited they are to see other people when this whole thing is over, and oh what a merry moment that will be! But what about all those other people, besides friends and family, that have been missing from action in our lives? Those you were only vaguely affiliated with in the first place, in what seems like another lifetime, before lockdown began. Or worse, what happens when you run in to someone you once knew, perhaps were even close with, but after all this time you’re not sure they (or frankly you) would want to pick up a relationship moving forward. Feel free at this time to play the 2011 smash song from one-hit-wonder artist Gotye softly in the background for your viewing pleasure.

Could this pandemic be a global reset button to eliminate relationships that weren’t serving us, or has the lack of communication instilled a newfound appreciation for any and all the interactions we can get?

Let me draw your attention to this moment I speak of that I’ve come to particularly dread: running in to people...I don’t quite know (anymore). I’m not going to pretend these uncomfortable run-ins didn’t exist pre-pandemic, but a lack of basic daily social interaction has left me feeling less prepared to deal with them than ever. For all you anxious kiddos out there I’m sure this is already ringing all kinds of bells, and for all you frustratingly secure folk, take the following as an education in to how the other half lives.

Allow me to paint you a picture: you’re walking down the street when suddenly your eyes catch a familiar subject walking towards you. You can’t place exactly how you know them -- in fact, it’s quite likely you don’t -- and the mask they’re probably wearing doesn’t help. You’re drawing nearer to each other on an otherwise vacant sidewalk on the clearest day this city has seen in weeks. Truly, it’s as if the entire atmosphere has been Windex-ed and squeegeed, yes siree there are absolutely no visual obstructions to hide behind between you two. As the space between you closes in, you realize that yes in fact you do know each other and you swear you can see this realization click in to place behind their eyes as well.

It’s the guy who was in your ninth grade friend circle you haven’t seen for years. It’s the girl you’ve seen around at parties who you suddenly cannot remember the name of. It’s the guy who grooms the dog of the cousin of your old subletter’s sister’s fiancé’s dental hygienist. You know who they are, and you also know that they know, you know, who they are.

In a fraction of a millisecond you become so aware of your entire being you practically combust. Why didn’t I wash my hair this morning! Did I put on deodorant? I swear I don’t normally dress like this, you caught me on an off day!

Maybe you find yourself coming towards a cross walk, you on one side and your ill-fated compadre opposite as you wait for the light to turn green. This layout is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand you could ignore direct contact all together and cross to the facing street even though the place you’re going isn’t on that side of the road, which seems childish so instead you stand your ground. Watching as the numbers count down from ten, you become suddenly utterly confused by what to do with your hands.

Look away, you tell yourself, just keep a cool front. Run your hand through your greasy hair, yeah that’s hot--oh my god, my ring got caught on a tangle! Fuck, Fuck, holy fuck! Jesus Christ. Shit, shit, are they looking? Of course they’re looking--don’t look at them! Did they see me looking? Shit on toast, fuck my life, fu--okay it’s out. It’s okay, play it cool, they probably didn’t even notice, you can recover. Just project confidence! Put your hands on your hips, power stance. Okay nobody actually stands like this, put one hand in your back pocket. Wow these jeans are tight, do you think they can see my panty lines? Oh my god...these are my white jeans and I’m on my period! Okay the lights changing.

Maybe there’s no crosswalk interlude, maybe it’s just you and this unnamed second party staring each other down the barrel. There’s a number of strategies to go about during such an altercation:

Under the category of “Ignore” you could attempt:

1. “The Pass By”: While holding your head high, maintaining a forward gaze, casually walk past your adversary while every molecule of your body screams inside. This tactic will leave your partner thinking you either didn’t recognize them or didn’t think your time was worth an interaction. Can be the simplest solution if both parties commit, but may also come off as bitchy and make future interactions with this individual even more awkward.

2. “The ‘Oh, Didn’t See Ya There!’”: While walking by occupy yourself with something benign like changing the music on your phone, rummaging through your bag or perhaps taking a strong interest in a store front or billboard. This is one of the more innocent solutions, risks transparency, but gets the job done.

3. “The Gut-Buster”: WARNING FOR SEASONED VETS ONLY! This technique simply consists of throwing yourself in to oncoming traffic. Pros: 100% proven to shift focus from any possibly awkward interaction. Cons: You could die. A passerby (potentially your acquaintance) may call an ambulance, drawing more attention to yourself than you ever intended. The paramedics decide the internal bleeding needs immediate attention, so they rush you to the nearest hospital where you are bumped to the front of the emergency line, and you have to admit you like this VIP treatment. The doctor, who is extremely cute by the way, tries everything he can, and his perfectly chiseled face is the last thing you see before crossing over. The funeral is nice, small--just friends and family--but classy. Your friend Kate doesn’t show, not that you’re surprised, she’s always been such a flake, and not that it really matters because you’re dead!

Maybe you’ll decide on a friendlier approach and instead of tactfully ignoring your acquaintance, you actually acknowledge that you know each other. Within this realm you have some options as well:

1. “Hello, Goodbye”: Short on time or don’t feel close enough to this person to have an actual conversation? Give this feller a spin! While walking past, your pace remaining the same, shoot them a friendly head nod, smile, wink, boob flash, whatever your style, providing a nice acknowledgement but not loitering long enough for an actual conversation to build.

2. “Just The Headlines”: If you actually take some what of an interest in this person’s life, this method could be the right fit. Slowing your pace as you approach, perhaps removing one headphone, stop for a quick catchup to recognize how long it’s been, blah, blah, and share just the most superficial info.

3. “Full Stop”: Ironically sometimes the most difficult run-ins can be with people you actually care about but doubt wether they feel the same. For these scenarios I’d employ this guy right here, and actually have a full conversation! Maybe even confirm their number hasn’t changed or suggest you grab coffee sometime.

I’ve been in (almost) all these scenarios, had all kinds of embarrassing reactions I’m not proud of, spawned by my insecurities. When it comes down to it, just saying “Hi” to someone is a nice, uncomplicated act. Nobody will judge you for it, and if they do that’s on them.

All of this is a long winded way of saying I wish I didn’t feel the urge to put on mascara to impress someone I may or may not see on my way to go buy toilet paper.