How To Be Great In Bed!

Have you ever been told you’re good in bed? How about the best somebody’s ever had? I get told this all the time, one of the benefits of only sleeping with virgins.

I was a little hesitant to write the following as I was doubtful whether anyone on the internet would be interested in the behind closed door happenings of a 20-something woman. After much deliberation, I am proud to announce that following years of publications such as Men’s Health and Cosmopolitan trying to nail this topic, little old Maison Gross is coming through.

People often ask me: Chloe, what’s your secret? I accidentally-on-purpose cheated on a history test in the 5th grade. Look, they weren’t even trying to cover their paper, and I knew the answer anyway I just forgot, Jesus!

Unlike that answer, my mind has held on to a plethora of tips and tricks to dominate la chambre à coucher over the years, so keep reading for my tried-and-true advice for how to be great in bed!

1. Propaganda. It’s time to take this age-old political method of manipulation between the sheets, and start telling everybody that you are absolutely terrible in bed! I mean, downright awful. Like, would rather fuck a cactus repetitively than get with you once, to be quite frank. Stay with me here; if word got out about what a coital goddess I was (you didn’t hear it here), every future lover I may ever take would be set up for disappointment. I’m not too proud to admit that it’s all relative baby, and you’ll wanna set that bar low right from jump. Don’t set high, or even accurate expectations, that way your partner is sure to be pleasantly surprised by your prowess. Start spreading rumours about your own incompetence, the creepy stuff you’re supposedly “into”, and/or the highly contagious parasites you may be carrying. If your budget allows I’d strongly suggest planting hired actors around town to ensure the propagation of the bad word. 

2. Be Ugly. Hotties, and I say this with love as most of you are in my contacts, y’all are doing yourself a disservice. In my experience, really, really hot people are really, really boring in bed. The secret’s out. I mean, it makes sense! If people can nearly bust from just looking at your face, why get creative? Again it’s a matter of relativity, but generally if you look sexy people are going to assume you’re actually, well, good at sex. Set that bar low! Present like a 6, perform like a 12, like I always say.  

3. Communication. All jokes aside this is truly the key to any healthy, sexy encounter. If you have any stray animals or haunting ghosts in your home be sure to convey this to your partner.

4. Knowledge Of Anatomy. Seems basic, right? But it never fails to astound me how ignorant most people are about their own/partner’s bodies. Take some time to do a little reading, examine a few diagrams, watch a couple seasons of Grey’s Anatomy. Even a simple google search will teach you that the average person has around 67 different species of bacteria in their belly button! Wasn’t that fun?  

5. “Know Thyself.” This famous quote from Aristotle still rings true today. How can you expect to be pleased by another if you don’t know how to please oneself? My interpretation of this famous philosopher’s words is that one should jerk thyself off often.

6. Lubrication. I always keep a pot of vegetable stew on the stove just in case.

7. Invest In A Good Quality Set Of Down Pillows. Two bags of jasmine rice will do in a pinch.

8. Safely Dispose Of All Shattered Glass. Be sure to adhere to the standards of WHMIS and local provincial guidelines. 

9. Manners. Always say please and thank you. Or, in case these tips have not aided you and you still stink in bed, I’m sorry.

10. Respect. A delightful song by American singer/songwriter Aretha Franklin.

11. Always Have Snacks. Trust me.

12. Protection. We all know the importance of protection during sex. The FDA recommends the use of a broad spectrum sunscreen with an SPF of 15 or higher daily.

13. Dress To Impress. Wardrobe is a powerful thing, not just in terms of how we are interpreted by others, but how we perceive ourselves. Catch me in a pair of wellies and a toupée and you know things are about to go down.

14. Initiative. Top or bottom, nobody wants their partner to just lay there and starfish! People are attracted to drive. Hell, start a small business and apply for a loan! That’ll get ‘em going.

15. Confidence. Humans are sheep. If you believe you’re good in bed, others likely will too. Or at least your shame and embarrassment will be slightly less potent behind a wall of ego.

And there you have it, folks! A handful of simple techniques to spice up the bedroom that you can begin implementing slowly; always taste before you season. No need to thank me––you’re welcome.  And if anyone asks, I was the worst lay of your life.